


take a chance and don't ever look back

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Coming Back As We Are [11]
Category: Glee
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blaine probably hates me right now, Blangst, Character Study, Episode: s02e06 Never Been Kissed, Episode: s03e08 Hold On to Sixteen, Episode: s03e14 On My Way, Episode: s03e15 Big Brother, Episode: s04e01 The New Rachel, Episode: s04e07 Dynamic Duets, I enjoy this /way/ too much to stop, Klaine, Lots of Blangst, M/M, POV Blaine, Probably wants to murder me, Season 3 AU, Songs, Suicidal Thoughts, oh well, on with the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-09 22:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4366364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Blaine tried to tell the truth through song, and the one time he succeeded. </p><p>One shot in Coming Back As We Are 'verse- covers AU season three.</p>
            </blockquote>





	take a chance and don't ever look back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a_simple_rainbow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_simple_rainbow/gifts), [IsaWritings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsaWritings/gifts), [BlamScilesShipper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlamScilesShipper/gifts).



> Title is from "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry.
> 
> READ "EVERYTHING I GAVE YOU" AND "INNOCENCE DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE IMMUNE TO THESE THINGS" TO FILL IN THE GAPS BETWEEN SONGS. YOU WILL BE CONFUSED IF YOU DON'T. TRUST ME, I'M THE AUTHOR, I KNOW STUFF.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

-Mary Anne Radmacher

Teenage Dream

(E. 2x06)

"Excuse me, but I'm new here."

"My name's Blaine."

"Kurt."

_"You think I'm pretty without any make-up on_

_You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong_

_I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down_ "

Blaine knows several things about Kurt just by meeting him for a few seconds. For one thing, it's pretty obvious that he's gay. Not by any one thing in particular, just a general feeling. If there's one thing Blaine is sure of, it's his gaydar. He never wants to make the mistake of accidentally going after someone straight for fear of what would happen, and he's honed his gaydar to pinpoint accuracy to avoid that possibility. 

Also, there's the way he moves, worldly but guarded, the way he talks, confident but uncertain, and the way he stares in disbelief when Blaine says that the Warblers are like rock stars- it's obvious he's been bullied really badly, and that he's been shoved down in life in more ways than one. 

Blaine knows how he feels.

_"Before you met me, I was alright_

_But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life_

_Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine_ "

Things are okay at the moment, or at least as okay as Blaine's life has ever been allowed to get. He only sees his parents on weekends, only hears their hurtful words two days out of the week, so that's good, but even so still _no one_ notices. No one realizes how he's feeling, and no one has any idea what he's gone through. The Warblers are nice and all, but they don't understand anything about him. They don't know what it's like to be bullied for being gay, or what it's like to bashed, or what it's like when people who are supposed to support you no matter what shove you down even though you've done nothing wrong to deserve it.

But Blaine can tell that Kurt does.

For a moment, as he dances and sings with the Warblers, Blaine can see himself connecting with Kurt as friends. He can see them talking about what it's like to be gay in the middle of straight Ohio, see them growing closer than even friends. It's actually quite easy to imagine learning more about and maybe even kissing such a beautiful boy.

_"Let's go all the way tonight_

_No regrets, just love_

_We can dance until we die_

_You and I, we'll be young forever_ "

But then he gives Kurt the most _stupid_ advice ever (advice Blaine never could have taken himself in a million years, if only because he's a coward), and the Karofsky debacle goes down. Blaine feels completely guilty for everything, and helping Kurt confront Karofsky eases none of his shame. He is indirectly responsible for Kurt's _first kiss_ being stolen away. There's no way he could possibly be romantically close to Kurt anytime soon, so for now he'll just have to settle for being supportive and trying his best to help out whenever possible.

He _can't_ cause Kurt any more pain.

 

 

 

“Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.”

-Omar Bradley

Control

(E. 3x08)

Blaine is freaking out. He knows that he shouldn't be, that he's led the Warblers to a win at Sectionals before (and he's not even _leading_ this time, he just has some lines in two of the songs), but everything means so much more now. These songs mean so much more to him, mean so much more to his friends. Before it was just a chance to showcase his talent, but now winning means Mike proving to his father that dance is his destiny, Quinn making a point to Ms. Cocoran, and him, personally, taking a stand against his parents' hurtful words even if they'll never hear it.

Kurt walks up to him, a look of concern on his face. "You okay, Blaine?"

Blaine smiles, trying to cover up his nerves. He must not have been doing as good of a job as he thought he was. "Yeah, just a bit nervous."

Kurt mock gasps. "Blaine, the former lead soloist of the Dalton Academy Warblers, _nervous_?" He teases, "For shame!" He grins, Then Kurt sobers and presses a short kiss to Blaine's cheek. "You'll be wonderful, Blaine- you always are."

Blaine feels some of the butterflies in his stomach going away. It's always reassuring to know his boyfriend believes in him, even if he communicates it in an overly dramatic way.

" _When I was seventeen I did what people told me_

_I did what my father said and let my mother mold me_

_But that was long ago_

_Now I'm in control_ "

He's in control. He's got this- he's Blaine 'Warbler' Anderson, one of the soloists for the New Directions, former lead soloist for the Warblers, founder of the Dalton Fight Club, and most importantly boyfriend of the fabulous Kurt Hummel. He can do anything, he can speak the truth and disguise it by wrapping it in the cover of a song. He can feel free, if only for one song, a few lines. The true Blaine can bleed through and he doesn't have to worry about anyone finding out.

_"Got my own mind_

_Gonna make my own decisions,_

_If it has to do with my life_

_I wanna be the one in control"_

He's done this before. He made the decision to transfer to McKinley, to join the New Directions and Kurt instead of continuing on with the Warblers. He chose the harder path, risking bullies, slushies, distrust, and more nights with his parents instead of staying at Dalton, with its bully-free shields, comforting dorms, accepting friends, challenging classes, and (most importantly) weeknights rooming at the school _without his parents_. He, for the first time, did something _brave_ , something outside of his comfort zone.

_"It'll make your life a little easier_

_When you get the chance just take control"_

If only he can actually convince himself of the words he's singing outside of the auditorium.

_"Free at last"_

 

 

"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Cough Syrup

(E. 3x14)

The theme is "Inspiration". What inspires him? What makes him follow his dreams?

Well, that's easy- Kurt. Kurt pulled him back from that edge, that horrible place of despair that he could feel himself falling farther and farther toward last year. Kurt is the reason that the smile on his face is genuine, that he doesn't feel like he's spiraling toward some inevitable doom. Kurt is his boyfriend and his _best_  friend. But, somehow, it doesn’t feel _right_  to sing about something happy. He's still not quite off that edge, still balancing on a precipice where one false step will lead to his doom. He was reaching for a way out and he found Kurt's hand, but he's still in danger of taking that plunge.

_"Life's too short to even care at all_

_I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control, oh oh"_

The sorrowful yet hopeful tune catches Blaine's ear as he's driving to school. He lets the music wash over him, and he finds his fingers (which he'd subconsciously started gripping the steering wheel with so tightly while thinking that his knuckles had gone white) loosening as his feelings are expressed so plainly by some random singer.

The words are so perfect for him, every note bursting with raw emotion yet clean, slow yet quick. There is a balance between the instrumentals and the lyrics, and with every beat that passes he feels like some part of him has been exposed, that someone has taken all this pent-up emotion and poured it out for the rest of the world to see.

_"If I could find a way to see this straight_

_I'd run away to some fortune that_

_I-I should have found by now_

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down"_

Later, as he pours his heart out stage, he tries to show how he feels. He tries to communicate with the world the meaning of this song, how far he's fallen and how high he's had to climb to get away from that dark pit of emptiness, but he can tell he's not succeeding. For a moment in the dark auditorium as he sings to Kurt he thinks that he sees a flash of recognition in Kurt's familiar eyes, but then when the song ends Kurt merely smiles and congratulates him on another song well done.

It takes everything Blaine has not to scream in frustration and disbelief, to break down and sob right there on that stage. Even when he's poured out his soul in song, no one notices. If he's not careful, he'll easily start sliding back to that dangerous, dark place again.

_"So I run now to the things they said could restore me_

_Restore life the way it should be_

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down"_

As it soon turns out, he's not the only one who thinks these kinds of thoughts, but some others don't have someone who can help stop themselves in time.

Karofsky didn't. 

_"One more spoon of cough syrup now"_

 

 

"Don't depend too much on anyone in this world

because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness."

-Ibn Taymiyyah

Fighter

(E. 3x15)

Blaine's relationship with his brother is complicated- there is just no other way to describe it. An excellent example of this is how Blaine wants to react every time he sees Cooper: he's torn between slamming his fist into his brother's nose or falling into Coop's arms and sobbing.

It's because on one hand, Coop is the only person who understands what he's going through at the hands of their parents, and on the other, Cooper knows and he _left_. He knew that all of their parents' insults and jabs would fall solely onto Blaine's shoulders and he _left_ him alone, running away to Hollywood and not returning since. He didn't visit once, or send a letter, or call once to check up on Blaine to make sure he was okay. He didn't even send a _Facebook message_.

And the worst thing about it is that Blaine can't blame him for it because he _understands_. Escaping is what he's been dreaming about doing since he was ten and that's what Coop did, though not in the way Blaine would have- leaving without a word, heading off to who knows where, escaping words that struck harder than blows ever could. 

_"After all you put me through_

_You'd think I despise you_

_But in the end, I wanna thank you_

_'Cause you make me that much stronger_ "

But then Cooper shows up at his school just when he's finally healing, right when he's finally figuring out how to ignore his parents and focus on his boyfriend and his friends, and everything falls apart again. Cooper shows up with a huge grin on his face and a "Hey, squirt," as if that will make abandoning him to the hell he calls a home for seven years acceptable.

And then his friends start fawning over Cooper as if he's the best thing they've ever seen in their lives. At least Kurt is only starstruck for a minute or two before turning to Blaine and saying "Well, he may be the famous Anderson brother but he's definitely not the smart one", which brings a small smile to Blaine's face, but the rest of the New Directions hang onto Cooper's every word as if they're pure gold (even Rachel, who should _really_ know better). It not only irritates Blaine because, hello, Cooper's advice is kind of stupid, but also because Cooper seems more interested in teaching a bunch of kids he's never met before about acting than he is in helping his own brother.

_"After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you_

_But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong_

_'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,_

_I wouldn't know_

_Just how capable I am to pull through_

_So I wanna say thank you"_

Performing Hungry Like the Wolf/Rio is kind of fun, as it takes his mind off of Blaine's problems with present Cooper and reminds him of how much fun he had with the old Coop when he was a kid, but then it's over and Cooper is commenting on how Blaine's performance was flawed even though Cooper has _never been_  in a musical group of  _any sort_  in his entire  _life_. It takes all Blaine has not to haul off and punch him in face, so he goes and boxes to work off some of his anger.

He lets his body get into the rhythm of boxing, the one-two, one-two pattern of punches, and his mind drifts off into thinking about Cooper. He knows that Cooper leaving forced him to grow up faster. Bearing the brunt of his parents' severe and total disapproval destroyed his sense of innocence and belief of good in the world, ending his childhood early. Meeting Kurt has helped him regain some of that belief in the good of humanity, but Blaine does have to wonder who he'd be if Cooper hadn't left like that.

" _Makes me that much stronger_

_Makes me work a little bit harder_

_It makes me that much wiser_

_So thanks for making me a fighter"_

In the end he lets Cooper leave without actually doing anything. Though they do sing another song and Blaine pretends like he's fine with Cooper now, Cooper and him both know that one song can't fix years of abandonment and resentment. It would take a lot more to start patching up the wounds of the past, and both Blaine and Cooper know that Cooper isn't brave enough to face up to his sins and admit to the pain he inadvertently caused for his brother. They both know that Cooper's a coward. _  
_

After all, that's why he left in the first place.

_"Made me learn a little bit faster_

_Made my skin a little bit thicker_

_Makes me that much smarter_

_So thanks for making me a fighter_ "

 

"Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned /

What it is to be in love and have that love returned..."

~Aida

It's Time

(E. 4x01)

Smiling while he urges Kurt to go to New York, to leave him behind in Ohio, is easily the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

_"So this is what you meant_

_When you said that you were spent_

_And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit_ "

These beginning words, though performed with a smile, say exactly what he holds deep down, his greatest fear- Kurt saying that they're done, that he's found someone better, someone more suited to him in New York. Someone with bigger dreams and more talent than little old Blaine, the high school sweetheart who secretly wants a quiet life. 

If he says that he's "spent" with Blaine, then that will probably kill Blaine deep down inside, wound and utterly destroy the one fragile piece of his heart he's only ever trusted Kurt with.

_"I don't ever wanna let you down_

_I don't ever wanna leave this town"_

He doesn't want to leave to go to New York, but he'll go anywhere to be with Kurt. He'll do anything to keep from losing the greatest thing that's ever happened to him, even it it means changing his own dreams a little bit, sacrificing one of his hopes in exchange for a life with the man he loves.

Still, he has to last a year before that can happen. 

_"So this is where you fell_

_And I am left to sell_

_The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell_

_Right to the top_

_Don't look back_ "

His heart is already breaking, even as Kurt jumps him with a hug and whispers "I love you so, _so_ much" into his ear. As much as he's glad that he has managed to help convince Kurt to go to NYADA, he can feel everything he's managed to fix shattering inside of him. 

Oh god, why did he ever let himself fall in love with this amazing man? It's going to be so hard spending the year apart. Kurt's the one who keeps him sane, the only thing keeping him from dying inside.

_"This road never looked so lonely_

_This house doesn't burn down slowly_

_To ashes, to ashes_ "

He tries to remember this song, this feeling he gets when Kurt hugs and kisses him, when his parents dig into him later that day. It works for the first few days, but eventually the warmth begins to fall away and he's left with just the painful words of his parents. Normally he'd just go over to Kurt's and spend the evening with his wonderful boyfriend and his accepting family, but he no longer has that option. His parents' words, flung into his heart like knives, start sinking deeper and deeper until they're all Blaine can think of. All he can hear is  _worthless_ and _coward_ and _unintelligent_ in the silencebetween the words his friends speak, and soon he's convinced of his basest fear of all:

Kurt's going to go, and he's going to be forgetten.

 

 

* * *

 "I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

-Sarah Williams

+Heroes

(E. 4x07)

Blaine has come a long way since _It's Time._  His heart has been shattered by his own doing, his body broken and bruised by someone he's never met, and both put back together by people he loves. Kurt is by his side and finally knows the truth, and that's all he's ever _really_  wanted. 

"Are you ready to perform, dude?" Sam asks, stepping up next to him. They're standing at the side of the room

Blaine gives him a shaky smile. He's nervous, probably more than he's ever been before, because this is the first time a song has meant something and people other than him have known that. His fingers grip the microphone in a tight hold, trembling slightly with anxiety. He's finally telling the truth, and though the prospect makes his mouth go dry in terror, it scares him in a good way.

Just like Kurt.

_"I, I wish I could swim_

_Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim_

_Though nothing,_ _nothing will keep us together_

_We can beat them, for ever and ever_

_Oh we can be Heroes,_

_Just for one day_ "

His eyes rove the auditorium as Sam sings, taking note of everyone's expressions. This part is nice, slower, and though it's emotional it's nothing compared to what he's planning. People like it, they're nodding their heads to the music and smiling, but those expressions are not the ones he's watching. There's only one reaction he cares about. Suddenly he's back in time, showing Kurt _Cough Syrup_ , waiting for the chance to let him know the truth.

Except now, he _does_ know the truth. Kurt knows what he's gone through, and Blaine knows the full extent of what Kurt has gone through. That whole baring-your-soul thing didn't just go one way- Blaine's learned a lot more about what Kurt's gone through, and the song he's chosen for this week has a lot of meaning.

For both of them.

Kurt watches Sam, of course he does, from his position sitting in the back of the auditorium, but the look on his face is one of polite disinterest. Blaine knows Kurt's waiting for his part in the song, is waiting to know why Blaine begged him to take his break from the garage a bit later today and come to the school to see his performance.

_"I, I will be king_

_And you, you will be queen_

_Though nothing will drive them away_

_We can be heroes, just for one day"_

Kurt sits up straight as Blaine begins to sing, eyes wide. Blaine hopes Kurt will not only understand the history behind the song, but understand the message Blaine's trying to tell.

They'll be there for each other. Though both of them are broken and uncertain, they can be each others' heroes, whether for a day or forever.

" _I, I can remember (I remember)_

_Standing by the wall (By the wall)_

_And the guns shot above our heads (Over our heads)_

_And we kissed as though nothing could fall (Nothing could fall)_ "

Blaine can remember that night a month ago when everything changed, when everything finally came to a head and Blaine confessed everything to Kurt. Not because he was forced into it or felt that he owed it to Kurt, but because he finally felt comfortable enough to share that last dark secret with Kurt. In the end he realized that it wasn't difficult or hard in any way- it was easier than breathing as the words slid out as if they'd been waiting all along for Blaine to just realize the truth. The truth that Kurt loved him just as much as he loved Kurt, and that if he loved Kurt enough to give him up, Kurt loved him enough not to let him go.

And that kiss they'd shared afterward had been better than any other, even their first, because it was honest. Honest enough that it didn't matter that they'd both had their hearts shattered- it just mattered that they'd managed to put them back together.  

" _And the shame was on the other side_

_Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever_

_Then we could be heroes, just for one day_

_We can be heroes_

_We can be heroes_

_Just for one day_ "

And at the end of the day, Blaine knows deep down that even though he and Kurt will inevitably argue and fight and have their differences, they'll stay together and work through their problems because that's what you do when you love someone. You stay, and you help heal their wounds and they help heal yours. You be their hero, even if it's just for one day.

(Even though Blaine is _so_ incredibly glad that he and Kurt ended up being more than one day, because he's sure that Kurt is the best thing that's _ever_ happened to him)

_"We can be heroes_

_We can be heroes_

_Just for one day"_


End file.
